Once Upon Time...
Posted by Eva Sivill on Feb 10, 2019
In this last retreat, I became astonished with the power of the mind and how it is able to dissolve such deep and rooted pain and not only at the physical level. The last 9 months, before entering this Silent time, I started cultivating the connection with myself by being attentive to my patterns of behavior, patterns of communication, and getting in touch with my deepest fears and needs. Along with cultivating an attentive mind to get to know myself better, and deconstructing my identity, I started to learn how to kindly take care of the Self, paying attention to the inner voices of the mind so I could come out of this process with more skills, more loving, stronger and more truthful to myself.
I lived in the darkness for some time, which felt like an empty space that I had never been in touch with. A space where every thing may end and every thing may begin. During that time, I learned how to sustain the uncomfortable emotions and sensations of that emptiness. Which I see now as a big part of my process, since I realized that a lot suffering comes because many of us aren't used to handle the discomfort we experience (since awareness is not always there). I thought emptiness was supposed to be some kind of a blissful experience or like being in "heaven", and I was experiencing something painful and harsh. Then I read: "emptiness is the True nature of things or events" but becoming aware of the Truth was being certainly unpleasant. However, I always trusted that in that inner dark space I could find all the opportunities for me to grow.
Then, the Unknown and the Uncertain caught me with cold feet. I thought I had experienced them intensely a year ago when I didn't know if my work visa to go back to Oakland would be approved or not. This time it was something deeper than that, it was about the alignment of the Self and the Soul. It was about being able to be completely vulnerable and honest with myself, while being just on my own without knowing where all that awareness was going to take me.
During that time, I understood children better. Children need to know how the day is going to be like, they need predictability, they want to know how the stories end, that's why they want to hear the same one over and over again, so they can predict the end. I also wanted to know the end of the script. I wanted to know how much longer I was going to be in that process, and when I was going to set free of all the accumulated anger and resentment. Then, it happened, the retreat arrived. All the preparation during those months had been so valuable. Vipassana was the culmination process of my liberation in this part of my path. I learned how to hold myself accountable for the suffering I had gone through and I learned how to observe it all while the dissolution was taking place. And by letting all that go, I could forgive others, and actually I could forgive myself. The Trust and Confidence within myself when I left the retreat were completely transformed.
I'm deeply Grateful to my dear women friends who have guided me, who have encouraged me, who have facilitated spaces to expand my awareness, who have trusted me and who are here to continue to support, to love and to model for me what it is to live a Life of a dignified woman and human.
I also want to express my Gratitude to the community of Service Space to have supported me in different ways for the last 3 years so I could be in this part of this magic World right now doing the work I love. I look forward to keep weaving our lives and service from now on.
"May we all become the Silent Witness of our own Wisdom" by S.N. Goenka