After gaining altitude last week, the MBL Laddership circle this week attempted to pierce through the clouds of blind spots with the theme of Inner Transformation, with all of us flipping one behavior pattern and observing if anything stood out from that action. With such a vibrant crew of participants and volunteers, we were in each other’s safe hands as we attempted to pierce through and find out for ourselves what Inner Transformation means to us.

What does being the change mean? Why does it matter? Why 'inner' transformation only, what about the 'outer'? And how does one affect the other? Each one of us grappled with similar questions through the week, and there were some insightful reflections on the feed from everyone's inquiry. As we got together on the weekly call this Sunday, the nuances of the area of inquiry and each other’s' journeys came forth organically. Having grounded the collective energy in silence, the dialog opened with our rock star anchor Meghna reflecting the richness of the sharing that was offered by all on the Laddership feed. From Shivaya's experience of processing discomfort while cleaning the toilets and while writing a gratitude note in the weekly Auroville newsletter, to how Trupti connected with some ladies at work who are suffering from severe mental illness, and in the process, flipped her internal narrative from being a 'professional' to being 'human', to Vinit who brought a smile on everyone's face with his a-ha moment of how it must be good to turn into your dad someday :) to all the gems of insight in everyone's shares over the past couple of weeks; Meghna spoke for all when she expressed how amazing it was to be walking on this journey in each other's company.

Reflecting on the seed question of 'What is one practice you tried this week? Did anything stand out?', Audrey observed that she often finds herself in a logistical mindset while working on a project, and this tints her vision from really seeing the universe's true colors that are staring her in the face. While visiting a volunteer for work related to an upcoming event, Audrey caught herself wearing her logistics hat when she felt a little hesitation on being invited by the volunteer to sit and catch up for a while. Seeing this, Audrey accepted the invitation, and came out from their agenda-less time together with the realization that there's a deeper exchange, a kind of unspoken rhythm of having space to realize that we are all fellow travelers on a very long path, and that ultimately the projects are just an excuse to connect hearts.

Jaimit practiced complete acceptance this past week and focused on how he could be rooted in gratitude and be able to maintain his inner balance no matter what the external stimulus is. Expanding on his shift from being serious to being sincere, he said he saw how when there was an end in mind, he became serious because of the focus on completing the task at hand and in turn was not able to be in the present. But when there is no such agenda, he is able to give freely, from a space of sincerity of being which is not running after becoming anything else.

Manoj talked about how it was his habit of not sharing deeper truths that he saw with others, out of the fear that doing so might hurt the other person and also out of his need to be nice to people. But on a recent exchange with a student who was involved in a project selling luxury goods, he conveyed exactly what he saw to the person. It was discomforting for that person and shook him up, and he said he was left with lots of questions, and no answers. Feeling anchored in love and compassion, Manoj suggested that he became comfortable with the discomfort and hold the questions. Which resonated with all of us, obviously ;) This flip from being nice to being truthful left Manoj feeling - simple.

Reflecting on a recent conflict situation, Mihir shared his realization that at any given moment, it was beyond the ability of the mind/intellect to comprehend what the whole picture is. And that leaves no room for any judgments about people or circumstances. What the mind sees as fragmented, may be an integral part of a bigger whole which is beyond the limitations of knowing and identification. All the so-called 'bad' situations and the persons involved in them could be, and most likely are, teachers trying to convey messages from Life. Equanimity then, organically remains the only way to be, as all other choices drop away.

Parag found himself in the midst of an emotionally charged situation at home recently. In his characteristic humorously insightful manner, he said he was in a reactive mode, and found himself 'holding self, instead of holding space!' On being nudged (literally and metaphorically :) ) by his wife Mita, he quickly became mindful of what was going on and was able to easily snap out of it and stop contributing to the conflict.

Pranita had a transformative week as she experimented with shifts in various areas of her life. Where earlier she used to blame circumstances for any undesirable outcomes, she now looks inside. From getting conscious while speaking publicly in the presence of close ones, she now holds space for herself to be. While organizing a recent volunteering event, she let go of her attachment to outcomes and her only guideline to the volunteers participating in the event was - no guidelines! The event turned out beautifully and she got feedback from the volunteers that it was a liberating experience for them. As it was for Pranita.

Ragu observed that when there is a pre-determined focus which is not matching with what is happening in the present, then that creates the discomfort. He finds that when he does not focus on something specific, but is present to what is coming up, it does not necessarily take him away from where he has to go. One can still attend to it all and yet get to where one has to go. Resonating with what Jaimit shared about being sincere as against being serious, Ragu felt the emphasis should be on flow rather than some pre-determined destination. He summed up the shift from me-to-we beautifully by saying that if two people in a conversation flow together, they may reach where they both want to go, instead of both individually trying to drive the other to reach where he/she himself want to go. 

Rupali recently started holding a minute of silence before she began her art classes for children. Initially she felt hesitant, thinking that it might create some distance if the children start seeing her as an authoritative figure because of this initiative, rather than one of them like they see her now. To her pleasant surprise, the children received it well, as one girl felt so moved that she came up to her and gave her a hug, saying this was beautiful!

Shalini has been volunteering at the kindergarten at Auroville, and in a recent circle with the parents, she felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude come up within her. She thought of writing anonymous gratitude notes for people around her, but then the mind rationalized and she procrastinated. As life would have it, one of her friends sent her an e-mail in which he mentioned what Guri had once told him: 'If a positive thought comes up, go ahead and do it. If negative, pause and hold it.' This came like a God-sent push that she needed, and she went ahead and expressed her gratitude to her colleagues by anonymously tagging them with notes written on decorative post-cards that she herself made. The writing took time, but instead of rushing it to get the job done, she found the patience to wait till something authentic came up. This act changed everyone's internal narratives, and multiplied into greater and deeper shifts within everyone. Says Shalini, "I know the next time a positive thought comes, I won't be holding back!" :)

Shivaya shared how she is finding strength inside to speak up, while being mindful of the way she communicates. She is moved to acknowledge each other and appreciate everyone's efforts at Auroville, while also conveying gently where work needs to be done.

Smita ben referred to being deeply moved by Gaus's story, and observed that whenever she said 'yes' from within, she always found lots of opportunities to serve. "I am not the main character of all the stories in my life!" says Smita ben, as she intends to drop the 'bhaar' and keep the 'bhaav' in service. As she walks the path of laddering, she intends to move from the center to the periphery.

Swara shared the questions she is holding as she make her journey: how do I balance being kind and being courageous? When I'm being kind, I tend to feel sensitive and vulnerable. Is it an egoistic activity to guard myself, or should I just be open to being kind and trust nature to look after me?

As Trupti attempted to sit in silence every day, she saw unhealthy thoughts come up frequently, and her mind resisted the sitting, but as she endured through it, the dust eventually settled. She is seeing her internal narratives changing, and while earlier she would become defensive in conflicts, she now practices holding space to listen. "How can I listen, hold space and allow the other to heal?" is something she is exploring.

Vinit practiced being truthful in relationships instead of just patching things up short-term and kicking the can down the road. He recently experienced a constructive conversation while doing this in a close relationship. He was also pleasantly surprised by the positive response to his initiative of tagging colleagues at his work place.

As the circle completed, Meghna invited Manoj next to share a story he felt called to share in the context of inner transformation. Manoj recalled from his childhood how there was a maid at his home, whose job was to sweep. He would observe the way she swept, and was fascinated by its rhythm and the attentiveness that she brought to it. The soil would leave beautiful patterns from the sweeping. Thirty years later, as he explored mindfulness, he realized that she was living the experience of mindfulness, without consciously trying to do so. She taught him mindfulness by living it, and her simplicity planted seeds of inner transformation in Manoj. We recognize teachers only when we are ready, he reflects.

On that note, we went into the second circle of open-mic sharing with Audrey seeding the dialog with fascinating questions such as: Should I be my change or help you be yours?

Mihir wondered whether they are two different things, and if one sees them as different, can one really be the change? Ragu observed that there needs to be a connection before the question of change arises. It is the connection that transforms the 'me' to 'we', otherwise there is individuality. Sharing the story of how Nipun connected with the driver of his car while he was in India, without even speaking the same language! The driver repeatedly told Ragu excitedly in his native language the he felt Nipun 'is happy' and he 'likes me' :) The quality of such connections, Ragu feels, supersedes everything.

Parag offered the question of how one can know if one is actually walking the path of inner transformation and not trapped in some illusion? Manoj shared that what happens depends on the context, space and the people he is with at the time. But he checks to see if his inner peace is intact through it all, or not. If there is internal conflict and unrest, then that signals something and helps him know if he is walking the right path without being judgmental of himself or others.

Engrossed in this space of listening, sharing and exploring together, Parag closed the circle recalling the deep impact Birju's practice of listening had on an Awakin circle participant who shared his story with him at length. And how that act rooted in the space of inner transformation rippled out into the world as Tea With Strangers - cafes where everyone is welcome to show up at tea time, have a real conversations with strangers, and see what happens!

As we neared the end of the call, Parag offered deep gratitude to everyone for coming together to create such space, and for the hard work everyone puts into the reading and reflecting on feed. That left me  marveling at the emergence of collective wisdom and individual transformation that such spaces facilitate, where everyone feels deeply connected to each other. Shivaya observed in her sharing on the feed that there are many ways to enquire into a question, and with such sweet memories of the magic of having experienced deep connections, we enter the third week of our journey of holding and exploring questions!