Posted by Xiaojuan Shu on Dec 21, 2015
A Love Letter To Myself
Thank you for inspiring me to write this letter to you. First of all, please accept my deepest apology for losing faith in you again two nights ago, doubting if you are good enough for yourself, for your family in China, or for the world. My judgment probably dragged you down into that abyss again because I noticed that you tossed and turned in bed that night. I am sorry that I put you under the scrutiny again through the lens of those who believe that success merely means a high-paying job, a big house, and a proper marriage. But you are determined to go through the door of a much deeper living.
You’ve been broadening your horizons all these years, constantly stepping out of your comfort zone to explore deeper and broader, from business to performing arts, from the East to the West, from having no faith to holding an increasing number of paradoxes… Life is full of wonder and you began to see more and more...
I am very happy that on the open dance floor yesterday, you let yourself free during those two hours, releasing your sadness into spontaneous body movements. Though at first, you stood in the corner feeling ashamed and sad, tearing up as others dancing their hearts out around you, and you refused to move any of your limbs, then you breathed deeply and began to move by imitating any random person in the crowd. Then you moved across the floor and copied the movements of many of those whom you passed by. You seemed to connect with them by honoring their movements. Then you jumped up and down with the music like an innocent happy child! Wow, I was very impressed! I just want to tell you that because I know how far you've come. After witnessing your dance yesterday, I now believe that when your heart is free, nothing is impossible!
What am I thankful about being you? I am thankful that you are loved and cherished by so many kind souls, from your family to friends to strangers; I am thankful that you have met many who see the light in you before I do; I am thankful that you don’t have to deal with health issues like many others endure; I am thankful that you are learning to give yourself some space to pause; I am thankful that you love to travel and to connect with different cultures; I am thankful that you are supported by many generous ones who provide a roof over your head, food for your body, and wisdom for your soul, and a mother who loves you deeply and supports you unconditionally. Wow. How abundant life is!
I want to say that I, I, I… love…you... To be honest, it's hard. I am feeling discomfort arising. But please don’t take it personally. Many more love-letters will come your way. This is just a start! :)
With selfless self-love,
The Expanded Self
As the calendar of 2015 approaches its back cover, I reflect again on that mystical self while raindrops splashing outside my window. I want to fall into that mystical and vast space which is always there, unchanged. I am not my experiences, my beliefs, my education, my age, the color of my skin, or anything that I claim to be "mine" because I am so much more than all those combined.
This morning, I was inspired to love myself more after watching the video “Meaning of Life” by Jeff Lieberman. Next time when I watch the sunset, I'll watch it knowing that I am revolving with the celestial wonderer—the earth, not that the sun is setting.