At a high-school music choir concert recently, as everyone was singing, one of the singers fell down in the middle of a song. The teacher, who was conducting, walked over to the side where she was, seemed to check-in on her, and then returned to his conducting, all without anyone missing a beat. The young lady lay on the ground for the duration of the song, mostly hidden behind the front row of singers. As the next song started, she lifted herself to a chair and sat on it, just behind the lectern on the church stage, until she could return to join the singing again.

Just after the concert, as we mingled in the foyer, when I asked what happened, this young girl said, "I only slept for four hours last night, it was passover, I was tired, I was dehydrated - so I just fainted." I told her to go home and rest. Her response: "I'll be fine" as she proceeded to join the group for another three hours of social-time over dinner. 

The teen-tendency is to value peers and belonging to the group. Teens also tend to feel invincible so take on risky behaviors. The adult role is to validate each of them as individuals so they can find the courage to march to the drum-beat of their own heart, rather than simply following the group norms. The adult role is also to catch the mistakes and have the needed conversations to learn the lessons from the mistakes, so they don't keep repeating them endlessly. The skill to take care of yourself is a good and required adult skill to have. Too many teens (and adults in the US) are sleep deprived.

I could not tell this young lady to get rest, as I can't even make my own teen sleep. Instead, I wrote a note to give her as we met again the following morning. It had a suggestion that just as she valiantly participated in the dinner after the previous night's fainting episode, for the sake of team-spirit, she might also consider giving herself permission to take care of herself - as she is precious and totally worth it. A healthy and well member is good for the team too.

She was moved to tears, even without reading the entire card. She gave me a hug and proceeded to tell me a lot about herself and her family. Sadly, she mentioned how isolated she felt because she was led to believe that she was the only one struggling with such challenges. I know that several other singers struggle as the long hours of rehearsals and concert commitments along with academic work has them over committed. At other times, several others have shared in different ways how exhausted they were. I reassured her that she was not alone, and that her hard work is good enough. The perfectionist tendencies can be curbed if we give ourselves permission to accept that good enough is pretty good too. Self-care is a useful skill to be an adult.